Is this real life?
You are a dumbass. What company even makes light up shoes for anyone over the age of 8 anyway? For an interview? When you need to make a really good fucking impression you are going to wear LIGHT UP SHOES. Grow up.
Kindred - The Elderly Post Acute Care Provider across the street
Conversations regarding the beat up, ghetto, piece of shit care provider across the street from my apartment. Let me mention that I have never passed by this place without seeing a person at least 800 years old chain smoking cigarettes in a wheel chair.
Speaking to my roommate during work -
Roommate: http://www.kindredbos.com/about-us/photo-gallery/
DECEIVING
me: NOT OUR KINDRED
Roommate: hahahah
me: hell no… where are all the old people in wheel chairs chain smoking cigarettes
Roommate: hiding behind those lucious trees in the front “yard” aka sidewalk beyond the chain link fence
me: hahaha
i love it
ill never park my car there
Roommate: haha i did last night and a homeless guy drove by screaming that he got F-ed in the ass!
no joke
Normal Conversation Ed. 2
The Intolerable: im really excited now.. i thought this weekend was going to be poopie but it’s looking phenominal
My Best Friend: poopie hahaha
if someone ever interviewed me and asked me my favorite word i wouldnt be afraid to say poop
The Intolerable: haha me too.
poopie. not even just poop
My Best Friend: no mine is poop 100%
Mischa Barton is a fat joke
Like a child I need the television on to come to a complete state of restfulness and eventually fall asleep. But once I saw this crackhead on Fashion Police, I could not be at peace. As if I was in some alternate universe, a universe where Mischa Barton wasn’t an absolute mess of a human being. A universe where The OC continued her character past 2006.
Anyways, she was on the show in order to promote her new fashion line. As if it wasn’t enough that she was on a show critiquing other celebrities’ clothing but bitch was talking about her fashion line because she’s “always been inspired” by fashion.
Are you… FUCKING KIDDING ME? She gained about 100lbs four years ago and dressed like Boy George (hence the picture located in the center). This psychopath got a DUI and was roaming Hollywood with what looked like a container of Hellman’s smeared into the roots of her hair. She’s nothing better than a Lohan wanna-be (I reference Lohan so often simply because she was the original hot fucking mess). She hasn’t acted in anything worth while since her cameo in The Sixth Sense. Seriously, a fashion line?
As if I wasn’t upset and appalled enough, I looked to one of my influences, Joan Rivers. Joan, how could you do this to me? If you truly don’t like this asshole, than you deserve an academy award for your performance last night. I’ve heard you talk shit about this bitch but then you let her brag to you about her friendship with Galliano and Givenchy.
Fashion Police is a show that makes me laugh, cry, and judge and I couldn’t help but do all three last night. Laugh because Mischa’s fashion line with miserably fail, cry because of my disappointment in Joan and judge that bitch for wearing a geisha costume.
Isn’t that racist?
Oh you silly bitch
Amanda Bynes you silly bitch. What are you doing? If you are going to get a DUI, do it Lohan style and have a whole mess of drugs on your puffy, no talent ass. Please. This is so amateur. I mean, you’re retired. Lohan ruined her career with a drug and alcohol problem so you have nothing to lose. Except weight honey. Your face is puffier than ever, and is that purple or pink hair?
Your entire life went downhill after All That. You lost that cute funny “amanda amanda” charm long ago. So please just disappear into society and get your shit together.
my family is insane
So it’s kind of a crazy week. I had my friends up this weekend, I am in the process of moving out of my apartment… it’s just been insanity. These high levels of stress make it necessary for me to write. But I have been having a minor writer’s block, so I looked to my super supportive and certifiably insane family for guidance for possible writing topics….
Email chain went as follows obviously names have been changed…
The Intolerable to Mom, Dad, Sister On Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 11:39AM
I need more topics to write about… i need to write today to relieve stress so please send me anything that you find annoying…
Tell me your pet peeves, types of people you dislike, celebrities you love to hate…
anything like that.
Sister to The Intolerable, Mom, Dad On Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 11:59AM
oh things i think about on the daily—- trusting my starbucks barista. when i ask for a vendi sugar free caramel non fat misto—- are they really giving me non fat milk and SUGAR FREE caramel. and when I hear my exact order but my cup says zach and not lauren am I wrong? or did they screw up.
The Intolerable to Sister On Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 12:04PM
Perfect SISTER. Thank you. If you think of anything else… feel free to email me
Mom to The Intolerable On Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 12:11PM
Write about gas… I have and it a pain in the ass…
Mom to The Intolerable On Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 12:12PM
Ugly toes, why do people insist on wearing open toe shoes when they have the ugliest toes ever.
The Intolerable to Mom On Wed, Apr 4, 2012 at 12:20PM
Thanks mom. REALLY appreciate it
SO there you go. My insanity is simply because I (and my poor sister) are a chip off the old block. Sorry mom, gas is not something I am going to write about today but I’ll keep it on the back burner for next time.
People I hate Edition 1
I have decided to start a new kind of entry: People I hate.Weekly, I will focus on a group of people that bug me, it will be entertaining and therapeutic for me and well… mildly entertaining for everyone else. Alas -
I hate you. You know who you are with your over-sized thick square glasses. Yes my enemy, I am talking to you. Tell your boyfriend to button up his over priced yet unbelievably cheap looking American Apparel plaid shirt, no one wants to see his overgrown chest hair. His jeans are tighter than mine and you are wearing shoes that look like pig hooves. I am not even sure if a pig has hooves but I am sure you know the answer because you THINK you know the answer to everything. Just because you own the newest Apple laptop does not make you smart. DO NOT sit there and judge me because I drink a coffee not knowing where the beans were harvested instead of that organic farm grown Americana that tastes like a smashed asshole.
Oh all of you are exactly the same, I can smell you fucktards from a mile away. You have hair on your feet and roll your pant legs up. WHAT’S THE POINT OF THAT? Wear shorts or wear pants. And another thing, quit smoking cigarettes in front of every semi cool establishment in the United States. How can you be so concerned if your fucking avocado is organic when you are chain smoking p-funks, you nerd!
Please get a life and stop blogging as well. Unfortunately, even your friends don’t care that much about China’s economic growth rate to read your blog everyday. You aren’t on facebook or twitter for that matter because you think you are defying social norm. You insist you aren’t a hipster but your clothes clearly came from a second hand store and you are drinking a PBR tall boy.
Watching you think you’re cool with your vintage lunch box makes me sick. Be fucking normal, like something or don’t. Stop liking something and the minute other people like it you say you hate it. Because we all know the truth, that you are just a duesh bag hipster.
I wouldn’t be such a hipster judge if I didn’t think all of you are a bunch of self righteous fakes. Like get over yourself. Your hair is frizzy; eating vegan and avoiding sunlight has made you look like shit. Welcome to the real world. When this trend ends, you are still going to be ugly so get ahead of the game and start improving yourself now. Return your clothes to Goodwill, start tanning and whitening those teeth.
I hate you hipsters.
Things I should have stopped doing after college
I really like these list-entries. I am REALLY digging them. So be prepared for tons of them.
To preface what I am about to list, let me mention that I am turning 25 in a couple months, and graduated college 3 years ago. I have no excuses for what I do that isn’t acceptable HOWEVER it’s how I am. And here is a list of things I should have stopped doing after college
1. wearing uggs
2. day drinking
3. wearing sweatpants to go to the store
4. wearing college t-shirts
5. not eating before drinking
6. telling people I’m on a liquid diet
7. drinking 40s
8. asking if there will be a keg at the party
9. not wearing make up in the day time
10. wearing a cat-eye in public
11. burping
12. wearing clothes that are dirty
13. hand washing underwear to avoid doing laundry
14. talking in a baby voice to my parents
15. wearing forever 21
16. wearing mismatched socks
17. using stupid abbreviations
18. asking what people are doing tonight any night of the week
19. ordering Dominos
20. taking naps
21. showing up to anything at least 5 minutes late
22. joking about scabbies
23. making perverted jokes with anyone
24. painting my nails outrageous colors
25. wearing clothes that are too tight and too short
26. responding to people with “Bitch please”
27. swearing like a truck driver
28. going on spring break
29. sleeping until 12 on the weekends
30. consuming one meal a day
31. eating an entire block of cheese
32. going longer than a day without showering
33. not brushing my hair
34. tanning
35. putting sun-in in my hair
36. consuming alcohol 4-5 nights a week
37. wearing socks with adidas sandals
38. begging for money from my parents
39. crying when I drink too much
40. alcohol induced vomiting
41. eating a calzone/pizza/chicken fingers at least 3 times a week
42. posting daily exciting events on facebook
43. posting pictures on facebook for the sake of making people jealous
44. blocking people on facebook
45. going to college parties
46. listening to Justin Bieber, Selena Gomez and any other barely legal singer
47. wearing ripped jeans
48. Boxed wine. enough said
49. Four Loko. enough said
50. doing the duck face
you suck
The following announcement is from one of our sponsors….
SHUT UPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP. I hate you. I hate you for posting this. I hate you for thinking it was cute for you to post this. I want to defriend you for your terrible lack of judgement. Weird, I was planning on having a miserable day. Thanks asshole. Ya know what? I planned on a fucking swell day too until I saw a ticket on my car, raced to work and was still late and forgot my breakfast. So grow up, get out of the fucking clouds. This is America where dreams are made and then crushed. I hope your day is especially bad. I hope you trip, roll your ankle and possibly stub your toe, just because you had to go ahead and announce you wanted to have a good day. You suck.
Not now Bisquick
Dear Bisquick, Pepperidge Farm, Pillsbury and all the other companies that send me delicious recipes,
Please stop this nonsense. It’s 75 days until Memorial Day which is the first time everyone is barely dressed for the year. I need you to temporarily discontinue your emails while I get beach body ready. Your emails about salted caramel pies, slow cooker chili, and chocolate-mint desserts are derailing my work out and diet. I can’t help but think about chocolate raspberry cheesecake bars, zesty lime fish tacos and sausage and cheese crescents whilst running on the tredmill. Thoughts of the “cheesiest mac and cheese ever” flood my brain as I am chewing on a flavorless celery stick.
As much as unsubscribing sounds like the go-to move, I don’t want to lose you forever. Resigning up for all those email chains would be the death of me. I can’t wait for the days of pies, cookies and cakes again. But that may be what got me in this position in the first place… yikes.
Love,
The Intolerable
